and include the headline of the classified ad (e.g. 23-YEAR-OLD CEREBRAL) to respond.
LATE GEN-X MILLENNIAL CUSP “CLASSIC AUSTIN CHARACTER” seeking a woman with the personality of Jerry Seinfeld and the mirth of a pre-2016 Sara Silverman. Preferably with the body of Jessica Alba but not required. If you date me you’ll get an endless supply of well-curated music on YouTube. Based in Austin but willing to move.
FILM INDUSTRY PROFESSIONAL SEEKING A BABE - All I ask is that I can look into your eyes and feel as though you can see my whole soul, and that I can see yours but you’re somehow mysterious also. No geographic limitations. All I can promise is you’ll never get bored.
23-YEAR-OLD CEREBRAL new-to-the-Midwest Shy Girl seeks honest man or boy with baseline appreciation for literature, albums produced by Steve Albini, and natural fibers. Bonus points for those with conscientious temperaments and a healthy sense of humor. I’m tall, usually stylish, and newly in touch with the numinous! Twin Cities preferred but open to judicious travel.
25-YEAR-OLD FEMALE GLOBE TROTTER LOOKING FOR MAN THAT MAKES HER FEEL YOUNG AGAIN. A grounded intellectual sparring partner comfortable with chaos and power.
[FEMALE] EARNEST HIGH ACHIEVING SNOB WITH EMO TENDENCIES seeking apollonian man that embraces chthonian internet gossip, fucqboi art and earthquakes with humility. miami is not a constraint but works in ur favor.
UFO HISTORIAN interested in connecting with people with serious ideas about UFO phenomena. After 30 years of research experience I’ve realized there are some things you can know that seem to have use in this lifetime. It would be interesting to hear from other people who have a different approach, or who have come to a similar conclusion.
FALUN GONG-AFFILIATED WARRIOR-POET, destitute but elegant, seeking mysterious, incest-scented girlfriend. I like to go to the beach. Alternatively, seeking employment. I’m currently moonlighting as a publicist, can offer freelance writing services.
TALL IMPULSIVE BLONDE SEEKING AUTHORITATIVE MAN WITH A WARM CHARACTER. Let's go to an art history lecture.
TALL LESBIAN JEW DESIRE SEEKING REHABILITATION FROM A STRONG FATHER FIGURE. Will finance hymen reconstruction. Open-minded.
HOT YOUNG FOX INTERESTED IN CONSENSUAL CANNIBALISM. Will go to you.
PARENTS OF RIGHT-WING CRYPTRO BRO MOVING TO THE EASTERN SEABOARD. LOOKING FOR LIKE MINDED PARENTS WHO FEEL THEIR CHILDREN ARE NUTJOBS TO VISIT AND PLAY SPORTS. WE PLAY TENNIS IN THE MORNING, WATERSKI IN THE AFTERNOON & DRINK AT NIGHT. This is not a commune.
[REDACTED] INVESTORS looking to match with disruptive founders. If you operate a seed-stage, US based company looking to raise capital - contact [CONFIDENTIAL]
I HEAR THE SCENE IS DYING. I’m looking for someone to help me find the next one.
INSURGENT READY-TO-WEAR BRAND ENTITY WITH WORLD SAVIOR COMPLEX seeking mind reading project manager. Individual will work closely with CEO to turn vibes into actionable plans for creative assets such as photoshoots, lookbooks and digital branding.
I AM LOOKING FOR A JOB. SOMETHING THAT DIFFERENTIATES ME IS THAT I LOVE THE GAS STATION. Drip drip drip honk honk honk. There are so many people of different skin tones and ear sizes.
WRITER SEEKING WEB DESIGNER for “theory-coquette” personal site, nothing fancy, can be based anywhere; must be based.
WRITER SEEKING ROOMMATE FOR CHINATOWN APARTMENT - Prime Madison Ave location. Clean and and quiet during the day b/c roommate needs quiet to write etc. NO CLOUT SHARKS but dabbling OK. 7 min walk from East Broadway. Occasionally there are chicken bones on the stairway. $1100 / month lease starts in July.
SARAH LAWRENCE STUDENT LOOKING FOR SUMMER SUBLET- for a month or two. I just want to be here. Good roommate - quiet, clean, I think I’m intelligent.
PROFESSIONAL FILMMAKER WRITER ACTOR DIRECTOR LOOKING FOR A GOOD GIG. Something that can stimulate my creative heart and also pay some bills. I’ve been an actor my whole life and I am a jack of all trades.
CRYPTOCURRENCY ECOSYSTEM LOOKING FOR CREATIVES, ARTISTS & PROGRAMMERS (NOT-GRIFTERS) TO BUILD ON URBIT. We have money for you to spend, if you want it.
SHAKESPEARE DIRECTOR LOOKING FOR A JOB & A LIFE.
35-YEAR OLD CONSERVATIVE JOURNALIST SEEKING A ROOM. March 15 move-in ideal. Very low impact roommate, you won’t even know I’m there but open to socialization. $1300 Max. ANYWHERE IN NEW YORK, EVEN THE WEIRD PARTS. Probably not the Bronx or Staten Island. But Maybe.
CURIOUS INTERLOPER FLOATING ALONG AND SSEEKING LEADS - GOSSIP, TERRORISTS PLOTS, CONSPIRACIES, COUP D’ÉTAT, HAIRBRAIN SCHEMES, SEX PARTIES, & OTHER WEIRD HAPPENINGS.